My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
