it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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