I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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