I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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