I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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