You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize