I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
My life is pants optional.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
