Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
