I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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