I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
