As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
