so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
