Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
