areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
