the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
