dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
