i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
