life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
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