I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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