I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
