hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize
