I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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