I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
