i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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