Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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