Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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