I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
