I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The beer is more important than you right now.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
