well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
