Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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