I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize