Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
