a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Randomize
