I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
