the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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