it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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