That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
im holly from the hills drunk
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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