mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
