Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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