fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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