My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize