After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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