I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
