I can text with my tongue
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
