I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
she pinky promised me she was 18
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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