I only kidnapped one of them. chill
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
