Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
