i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
He passed out mid-signature
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize