My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
