Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
you would pick up someone in the library
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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