You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
