I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
