wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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