Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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