i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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