got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
