I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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