I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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